Less Stress = More Energy and More Fun!
In this third edition of her series on stress-busting, Rochele Hirsch talks about how each of us fit "hand-in-glove" with those who stress us.
Stress from People
This time we'll focus on the issue of people who tend to stress us.
For those who are exploring self-awareness or who have been in therapy, this next concept will not be new. However, even those who are very self-aware often forget this in the heat of the moment:
No matter what a person is doing, the real stress comes from our own subconscious emotional imprints being triggered.
The other person may be acting in ways that are considered socially inappropriate or downright inconsiderate, but whether or not this behavior stresses you is completely due to your own reaction triggers.
Imagine that the person who is causing you distress is actually a mirror image of something behind you, outside your field of vision. This ‘something' represents what you could NEVER do, because if you did, you would be wrong, unloved, rejected, ridiculed, ignored, abandoned – whatever you instinctively had to avoid as you were growing up.
Consider these examples:
Ms. Nice Responsible Person: You are someone who always tries to be responsible, trustworthy and kind. And now there is another person you are counting on to come through for you on some aspect of the Shower. But they don't, or they blow it off like "it's no big deal." For you, it means one more time of pulling the plan out of the fire, taking care of it yourself, and trying to hide your distress from the friend or family member you're throwing the Shower for. You don't want to make a fuss with the person because you think it wouldn't do any good. So you just take care of it. You are considered "a saint" by many around you. However, you are stressed by this irresponsible behavior.
The hidden trigger points: I must be perfect … and take care of everyone's feelings. If I'm not responsible and nice, I'm lost – I won't be loved - I won't deserve to be here.
The Sharp-tongued Strong Person: You are someone who is responsible and just HATES to have other people fail to do what they signed up for. In fact, you like to "get in their face" when they fall down on the job. If they would just do it like you told them, it would be all right. They deserve the tongue lashing. Yes, they finally do the work you expected, but the stress you feel is that they didn't listen to you and follow through in the first place. It's almost like they are being disrespectful. And if you are not respected, especially given the effort you've put into the design of this Shower, it just works on you and takes away from your sense of accomplishment.
The hidden trigger points: I must be respected for my decisions and plans, or else I won't have any value. If I'm not honored or respected – I won't deserve to be here. I'll be lost.
In both examples, the irresponsible person is doing the same thing, yet it triggers different reaction patterns in Ms. Nice and Ms. Strong. The similarity is that both of them are stressed by someone doing something they could never allow themselves to do, i.e., "be irresponsible and just pay attention to my own needs and desires." At the root of this non-acceptance, however, is that each felt accepted (by mom / dad / grandparent) ONLY if they did things "right" according to their prevailing environment. Acceptance was based not on "just who I am," but on "what I do." This is pretty normal ... it's just not very loving.
Now consider what might be behind the shades of the Irresponsible Person:
Reaction to Ms. Nice: "She always wants to do everything herself. Nobody else is as good as she is - so I'll just wait until I get more direction."
Reaction to Ms. Strong: "She always is so bossy; acting like nobody is as smart as she is. I'll just wait until I get more direction."
The hidden trigger points: I'll never be good enough for them to see who I am. I'm just ignored. I'm nothing to them. So I won't put myself out there …
Of course there is an infinite variety of what goes on for individuals, and these are just examples. However, the concept is that a difficult, stressful experience you have with another person is usually due to your own trigger points showing up. If you have a reaction such as "How are they getting away with that?!! I could NEVER do that!" -- you can be sure that you have emotional imprints that say "You'll only be accepted -- you'll only be OK -- if you are ___(like this)___."
Discovering and defusing these trigger points is part of the self-awareness and maturing process.
You have choices about what to do with your trigger points.
- Just get through it. Reconcile with yourself that "This is how life is; I'll keep moving on." I call this "Spontaneous Coping."
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When you notice that you're "attracting" people who reflect your trigger points, use some stress reduction techniques to lift your energy (see the first article in the series). Consciously choose to interrupt your instinctive reaction and change what you say so you can manage the situation with more emotional intelligence. This is what I call "Conscious Coping." For example, the new response might be:
Ms. Nice: I see that you have not done what was on the list. Please tell me what it will take for you to get this done – and when you can do it. Our deadline is tomorrow, and I'm counting on you.
Ms. Strong: Help me understand where you are having difficulty in getting this done. Do you have more questions? Do you need more resources? Let me know what you need ... but I need to count on your getting this done by tomorrow. Can you do it?
- Transform the trigger points: This is what I help my clients with. I can identify the system of triggers – the emotional imprints -- that set them up for stress, and then take them through a process to transform the imprints. The results include reduced stress and more power to get what they say they want. See BeforetheBehavior.com for more information on "Intentional, Conscious Transformation."
Through the ages, some people have experienced "Spontaneous Transformation." This usually occurs through crash-and-burn or dark-night-of-the-soul situations, though there is no guarantee that a positive transformation will occur. Even when people hit bottom, it may simply reinforce the old emotional imprints, leaving the triggers intact. More and more, however, there are therapeutic opportunities to put yourself into transformative environments, such as Holotropic Breathwork, Re-Birthing, Sweat Lodges and more. These situations push the intensity of your emotions for the purpose of healing and spontaneous transformation.
For Ms. Nice and Ms. Strong, if they transform their trigger points, the outside results would look similar to the "conscious coping" of Choice #2 above. The difference would be that instead of having to INTERRUPT the former stressful, not-so-loving instinctive reaction, the new instinctive reaction would automatically be less stressful. The new reaction would be more observing of the situation, loving and self-empowering. Further, the person would not be "attracting" the irresponsible behavior of others as a mirror image to their subconscious imprints.
Transformation changes everything!
Next month we'll discuss the effect of food allergies on your stress levels and difficulty in losing weight.
About Rochele Hirsch
Discovering the patterns behind "what is going on" and developing systems to improve effectiveness have been focal points throughout Rochele Hirsch’s life. In 1981, she began to draw on her background in physics, informative systems, organizational effectiveness and color analysis to investigate the patterns of personal effectiveness that make or break success. What she discovered and tested in her own living laboratory may well change the way people understand and use the power of intention. She developed her Theory of How Come, and today helps her clients identify the preconscious "survival tactics" that lead to self-sabotaging behaviors, and eventually, disease or addiction. Rochele is the author of Love the Noun vs. Love the Verb and the Celebrity Newsletter BeforetheBehavior.com
Learn more about Rochele online or by calling her at 1-800-467-0467.
