The Shower Diva: Where Fun Reigns!

Kim Hahn: Founder and CEO of Conceive magazine

Planning the Shower When Getting Pregnant Didn’t Go As Planned

Your favorite guest of honor has struggled with fertility issues, but finally, there’s going to be a baby! Kim Hahn shares her tips for making the most of the baby shower!

Hooray! A Baby!

Statistics show that 1 in 8 couples have difficulty conceiving a baby so the likelihood that you will know someone who started a family with medical assistance or through adoption is very high. After the emotional and physical roller coaster of managing an adoption or medically assisted conception, a memorable baby shower gives the Mother-to-Be an important chance to celebrate the baby she’s dreamed of for so long.

Primarily, baby showers for women who have experienced fertility issues are no different than any other baby shower. Your guest of honor doesn’t want to feel different or unusual or somehow set apart from other Mothers-to-Be. Just like all Mothers-to-Be, she wants to feel loved and celebrated and to share her joy with the people who love her. There are a few considerations, however, that will help you create a special celebration for your favorite guest of honor.

All Mothers-to-Be experience stress. It’s to be expected when they are managing the physical changes of pregnancy and making room in their life for a new baby. Women who have had challenges getting pregnant are often more anxious than other Mothers-to-Be. It can be hard for them to believe they are finally pregnant, or have been selected for an adoption, after trying so long to create a family. Celebrating the new child is going to be a wonderful and long-anticipated occasion for the Mother-to-Be, but keep in mind that she might be very anxious and need some extra love and support.

It’s exciting to start planning the shower, but it’s wise not to jump the gun. According the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, studies show 10 – 20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies result in miscarriage and most miscarriages happen within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. It’s a good idea to schedule the shower during the third trimester or later. A miscarriage is devastating enough without having to explain the situation to baby shower invitees.

Another consideration is the high risk of multiples if the Mother-to-Be has used fertility treatments.

Shower Diva Tip: Is Mommy expecting twins? Triplets? Quads? Oh dear! She’ll need 2, 3, or 4 of everything! Have guests bring supplies in the required numbers. Say…three bottles if triplets are expected, or two boxes of wipes if twins are on their way. Reflect the expected number of babies in the decorations and recipes. Oh yes, it can be done! Try Twin Cheese Dip, Triplet Cookies, Chocolate Quad Dessert, or any other "numbered" recipe you like!

Also, if the Mother-to-Be is an older woman, she might prefer a different style or theme of shower. Talk to the Mother-to-Be and let her wishes be your guide.

Celebrating Adopted Children

If your favorite Mother-to-Be is adopting, it’s wise to avoid surprise showers. Paperwork delays, red-tape, or a Birth Mother’s change of heart can change the date of an adopted child’s arrival – sometimes by months or years. If the Mother-to-Be is adopting, ask if she prefers to have the shower before or after the baby arrives. Some adopting Mothers-to-Be want to have their baby at the shower. It’s a wonderful time to show off the new arrival and makes for an extra-special occasion for everyone.

Avoid favors and games that feature pregnancy or big bellies. Instead, choose themes that celebrate prospective motherhood and the new baby. Bassinets, diapers, teddy bears, or other similar designs are wonderful choices.

Shower Diva Tip: Angel-themed decorations are very sweet for this party and it’s a great time to play Getting to Know the Mommy games. If the child is older, it’s especially important to create a registry or wish list to help guests choose something appropriate for the new child.

If the child or children come from another country, incorporate themes and food from the child’s homeland. Play games where guests answer questions about the child’s country of origin. The one with the most correct answers wins a prize.

Please think about using the words “placed for adoption” rather than “given up” when you talk about the adopted child. A child is not an old coat “given up” because it’s gone out of fashion. Placing a baby for an adoption is an honorable but difficult choice on the part of the Birth Mother, and a precious joy for the adopting Mother. Your consideration will demonstrate your love and support for everyone involved.

Birth Mothers, Egg Donors and Surrogates

More often, families are choosing to know their child’s Birth Mother, Egg Donor, or Surrogate. If your favorite Mother-to-Be has a relationship with the baby’s Birth Mother or Surrogate, ask if the guest of honor would like to include the Birth Mother or Surrogate at the shower.

Helping Everyone Show Their Love

Some Mothers-to-Be are very open about having been through medical procedures or the adoption process. Others feel it is a private, family manner. Talk to your guest of honor about how much she has shared with others and how she would like to deal with the subject at the shower. If she’d like to keep the focus on the baby, rather than how she got the baby, help her set the tone. Treat the occasion like any other shower and don’t bring attention to anything out of the ordinary.

A baby shower is not a time for guests to discuss or debate whether or not they agree with the method Mommy-to-Be used to create her family. A baby shower is a time to celebrate and be happy for her coming motherhood. It’s important that everyone is respectful of her decision. Invite people who are supportive of the guest of honor. If a guest strays into sensitive conversational territory, gently change the subject or announce the next game.

The Shower Diva Asks Kim, “What’s Your Favorite Shower Memory?”

When I adopted my daughter, a good friend threw me a dream shower at The Grand Floridian Tea Room at Walt Disney World. My daughter was there in a beautiful pink dress and bonnet and everything from the setting to the linens and all the guests were perfect. Mary Poppins stopped by to visit and we have pictures of her with my daughter. I felt so grateful to my daughter’s Birth Mother and to everyone who supported us in adopting our daughter. Disney World truly was the happiest place on Earth that day.

My girlfriend let me help plan the shower, which was very special. When there are fertility issues, conception doesn’t happen in the romantic way you always dreamed of. So, being able to plan and create a shower that expressed my dreams about becoming a Mother was really great.

A donation in the name of each guest attending the shower was given towards the Birth Mother’s education fund. The girlfriend who let me help plan the shower came up with that idea and it is a very special part of my shower memories.

Kim Hahn has been married to her husband Ernie for 17 years, and the couple has a beautiful, eight-year-old daughter. While Kim and Ernie were trying to start their family, Kim was frustrated by the lack of positive, consumer-friendly information about fertility. Specifically, she longed for a magazine as beautiful, upbeat, and informative as the many pregnancy and parenting magazines on the market. After four years of fertility treatment, including three in-vitro fertilizations, Kim and Ernie decided that becoming parents was more important than becoming pregnant, and they adopted their daughter, Taylor Ann. Soon afterwards, Kim left her banking career to start Conceive magazine. With conceive, Kim wants to share her experiences to educate and empower women on their journey to parenthood.

Kim is the author of two books, The Fertility Journal: A Day-by-Day Guide to Getting Pregnant and Fertility Facts: Hundreds of Tips for Getting Pregnant. Last month, Fertile Dreams, Inc, a non-profit organizationthat provides education, resources and grants to infertile couples, presented Kim with their first annual “Lifetime of Embracing Hope Award.”